March 8,'05

I've mentioned a few times before that Finny's in chess club at school.  Yesterday was his first tournament. His teacher, Pedro, had been hassling me to sign him up for one ("Would you buy him all the equipment for soccer, go to all the practices and never bring him to a game?" I didn't have the energy to explain to Pedro that that is a terrible comparison, since chess isn't a sport and soccer games don't last for nine hours or cost 100 bucks a pop) so I finally relented once I was assured, again by Pedro, that I didn't have to be there the whole time. So we all got up at the crack of dawn's ass to hike Finny out to Providence Academy, which is in Timbuktu, by eight am.  Finny was really nervous, but once he saw his group of chess club uber-nerd pals, he was fine. The bad news was, there was no supervision whatsoever.  Pedro PROMISED ME I DIDN'T HAVE TO STAY.

"Of course you needn't stay," he said. Well he didn't say needn't but STILL, he neglected to add "if you don't care at all about the welfare and safety of your child." The kids are ushered into this secret chamber to play their matches and then between times, they're just left to roam the halls with blackjacks looking for rumbles. Alright, it's chess club, they roam the halls looking for stray math problems but you get my point. Luckily, one of the other moms told me she was going to stay for the duration and I could trust her to keep an eye on my boy. Thank Heaven, he couldn't have stayed otherwise. I love my son but I have two other kids and one of them had gymnastics and a friend's house to get to and the other is Molly, who doesn't really like being bored out of her ever-lovin' skull all damn day.  We popped in and out the whole time, though, (and that's not real accurate since the place was 30 miles from home... Molly basically spent the day in her car seat) since we had no real timeframe to follow. It just went 'til it was over.

Five rounds of chess.....Finny went in to play his last game at three, so Molly and I hunkered down to wait it out. He was done at 5 pm. We played catch and read a pizza stained USA Today we found....FOR TWO HOURS.   Finbar came bounding out all happy, he won his last match and wanted us to stay for the awards ceremony. No dice, kiddo.  We were already late picking Meg up from her friend's house. He passed out in the car. Nine hours of chess, I'm sure his brain was pooped.  Two people said to me, "Well it's no different than a swim meet!" At least at a swim meet, THERE'S SOMETHING TO WATCH. Never again. At least not until he's old enough to dump off and call me when it's over.

Today was beautiful, almost 60 degrees. The kids played outside in the huge puddles all over the yard and I opened the windows to get the winter stink out. Molly finally came inside, feet wet and frozen, and I was sitting by the window reading my book when she comes backing in to the living room dragging her big Raggedy Ann doll by the feet.

"Whaterya doin', Mol?" I asked.

"I'm throwing Joseph into jail," she muttered, and with great effort she heaved Raggedy Ann into the magazine basket. Ahh.....Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, her new movie crush. And why does the kid gravitate toward the peripheral roles? With the exception of Annie, she's Annie a lot but just as often, she's Grace or Rooster. And if you remember, she was Captain Von Trapp and sometimes Rolph during her Sound of Music phase. Kid just knows there are no small parts, only small actors. For two days last week she was Cosmo from Singin' in the Rain. I bought this terrible Annie Hall-esque hat for our trip to NYC a few weeks back, and she'd put it on and try to kick through the wall.

I asked the kids at dinner tonight what they'd been playing outside all day, and it was some game where they were orphans again.  

"Why do you always play games where I'm dead?"

"We know you're not really dead, mom!"

And then Meg said, "That is, we don't think you are...DUH DUHN DUHHHHHHNNNN..." which I thought was really funny.  I love it when Meg comes out with a funny one liner. Then she told me about a girl at school who inappropriately DUH DUHN DUHHHHHHNS and how annoying it is.

"Like she'll say, 'I forgot my homework, DUH DUHN DUHHHHHNNNN' and I'm like that doesn't even make sense!" Is it wrong that I'm pumped, knowing that under Meg's gentle and kind exterior lurks a sarcastic streak?

I made a big yummy meal to make up for the lazy mom take-out last night, and Finny didn't eat one bite of it. That just plumb ain't like him. I told him no dessert and he said, "That's OK." It can only mean one thing...He's in bed now, and I'm waiting for the vomiting to start.

March 10, '05

ANWAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!

Last week I was all caught up in Mario's beam of love, but I gotta admit, this week he took his hat off and all I could think was "Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Tony Shalhoub." Plus his song was dull. I love him when he does his singer-in-a-gay-disco-circa-1976 thing, but this week he might as well have been that freaky albino Russian.

Anyway Anwar is gonna win and he seems like someone a gal would be proud to bring home to meet the 'rents. As for the girls, Nadia's pretty cool but she can't sing. She has a lot of stage presence and she dresses great, though, so I guess you never know. Bo Bice rocks! At least he did last week when he sang the Allman bros, this week he did Edwin McCain and sounded like any other mid-level wedding singer. And I know he's not a girl. Constantine....ugh, it's definitely time for him to go. What is he, l 8 feet tall?? He makes Ryan Seacreast look like a dwarf. He has a very uncomfortable look on stage, like un-comfy in his own skin which is not what an American Idol should be. Maybe he's embarrassed by his yellow teeth.

Moving on.org........

Last weekend I watched the movie Before Sunset. I loved it. I mean I loved it. I never even saw the first one, and it didn't matter at all. Ethan Hawk was just phenomenal. I honestly think he did 'lost love' better than anyone I've ever seen before. He should've gotten an oscar for it, I'm not even kidding. Heartbreaking. She was great too......her character is really annoying and she's not even particularly pretty, but you love her anyway.

Knowing they co-wrote the screenplay (which was GREAT) added something to it, too, especially from his end, since he was seperating from Uma at the time.....OH ETHAN!! I LOVE YOU! IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER THAT YOU LOOK LIKE MICKEY ROURKE'S UGLIER LITTLE BROTHER! And the thing is, the movie is really hopeful and optimistic....

Then I watched this dreadful flick called We Don't Live Here Anymore, about two married couples who do nothing but fight and navel gaze and drink too much and sleep with each other, cuz that's what best friend-couples do, right? Heaven knows I've slept with all my girlfriends' hubbies. And everyone knows marriage is the perfect cure for happiness, right?

Then came The Door in the Floor. I actually really liked it. Jeff Bridges, I mean c'mon, you can't lose. Just one of those actors that when you watch him, you think, "Oh, so that's what good acting is..." He makes it look so easy, too... and Kim Basinger plays his wife and holy cow, that woman is gorgeous. She's what, in her fifties and she totally looks it and she's still so beautiful....It snowed again. Bleeeeh. The only thing grayer than the sky is my complexion.

March 17, 05

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY TO YE!

That's me trying to write in an irrrish brrrrough. I've got a corned beef in the crock pot, a green cake cooling on the counter top.....stayed up 'til midnight cutting out little paper shamrocks for the 'leprechaun' to sprinkle around the house. He also spread Lucky Charms all over the kitchen (I wonder why we have an ant problem?) and filled both toilets with green whatever a leprechaun does when nature calls. The kiddies love it, they spend the whole day tryin' ta ketch him. (there's that brogue again......it's getting annoying, idn't it?) Although this morning Meg came down from brushing her teeth and whispered to me, "Mom, you shouldn't have left the green food coloring in the cupboard next to the toothpaste!"

And I thought I was so clever.

They got all decked out before school; green hair ribbons, shamrock buttons, hats, etc. None of them like corned beef but they like the idea of it, they want to like it. I love it, so who cares? Pretty tired from staying up so late, though.

I'm actually supposed to be up at the store right now, learning the ropes so I can fill a few shifts now and then, but Muzz took Molly in my car and didn't leave me keys to hers. The whole point of her babysitting was for me to go up and work at the store, and here I sit instead. And yet, that part of me that hates workin' for the man, even though in this case the man is me, is secretely rejoicing. HA! Take that, man, I'm not comin' in today. PPPPPPPPPPLLLTT!

She's home. I'll write more later.

Back. We just finished our feast and now I'm sitting here with my achin' gut watching Will and Grace....The Office starts next week, I have to admit I'm feeling much better about it ever since EW gave it a good review. The mag does warn against comparisons, and does say afficianados will hate the first one, so I promise to try hard to wipe my brain clean and take it on its own merits. Plus, Steve Carrell (sp?) is funny.

So as I kind of mentioned, I worked a couple hours at the store today, it was fun, actually. Probably because there were only two customers and Kristin was there to help me so I didn't ruin everything, you know the minute I'm there alone someone will come in and ask me what shoes will cure them of their achilles tendonitis or whether or not they can return the shorts they've had for three years and taken regular dumps in. I do realize I can't exert any authority whatsoever; the minute I try and boss anyone around I'll get a horse laugh and possibly a wedgie.

Last Saturday night some gals and I went and saw Liz's brother Tommy and his irish band Leprechaun play at the Harriet Island Pavillion.  OMIGOSH was it fun!  It started out years and years ago in the basement of some guy's house and has morphed into this yuuuuuuge, wingdingy hot ticket item every March.  25 bones at the door gets you a big buffet of Irish yum (stew, corn beef and cabbage, soda bread) and all the Guiness you can hold.  Guiness is like drinking a big alcohol milkshake. It's really more of a meal. I could only handle one and then I had to switch to the wussy light beer.

Starting out the festivities was a trio of young lassies, the O'Brien sisters, who entertained us with their stompitty stomp stomp Riverdancy routine. Then the band took the stage and there was drinkin' and dancin' and fightin' to songs about drinkin' and dancin' and fightin'.  

After I'd eaten my fill, Liz came back to our table with a plate of food and said she's gotten caught in an Outlaw Josey Wales situation when she and Timmy Flynn, who's 250 soakin' wet, both reached for the last scoop of Mullagatawny at the same time.

Then out of nowhere,  Emily and Liz decided to throw down and next thing you know, we're all watching the world's shortest arm wrestling match. I'm afraid our Ms. Berg didn't come out on the winning end of that equation.....it was pretty shocking. Em's about as big as a minute.  Lesson learned: Don't underestimate the muscle building benefits of lugging babies around 24/7.

Kristin Van Putten was there. (she was the class of '87 homecoming queen....I'm over it though. I AM.)  I CANNOT LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT RUNNING INTO HER.  It's  the weirdest thing, she keeps popping up in the most unexpected places. She even ran into JP at a party out in L.A.  She's a nice gal, I always have liked her, and I'm pretty sure we decided I was having a party this August for all our high school pals we never see anymore.

Got home around midnight, had to resist the urge to watch Before Sunset again and go to bed. That movie's my new Phantom. I watched the first one finally, and it of course makes the second one even better, just a great, great screenplay.

March 20, '05

Saw The Upside of Anger last night.

The upside of the Upside of Anger: Kevin Costner

The downside of the Upside of Anger: everything else.

OMIGAH WHAT A CRAP MOVIE!!

It's gotten rave reviews, too! Our paper gave it 3.5 stars!!

Joan Allen plays this hateful, crappy drunk with 4 inexplicably normal and pretty daughters. Her husband leaves her (gee, wonder why?) and she's mad at him and her daughters are mad at her. Kevin Costner plays a neighbor who is inexplicably into Ms. Allen, despite the fact that she never gets out of her bathrobe or stops bitching. He's awesome, truly the only bright spot. After a half hour I just kept waiting for him to come onscreen. He's the only thing that keeps it from being a total F, even though I still give it an F since I paid $8.50 to see it.

As I say, after the first half hour I realized I was really not enjoying it much (other than marvelling at how Joanie's line-free face didn't match her craggy neck at all,) and then I started noticing really hacky, annoying mistakes in the continuity.

For instance, in one scene it's the middle of winter, tons of snow and no leaves on the trees, and in the next scene it's fall in full color. Were we to believe a full year had almost passed? And if so, why was Evan Rachel Wood still in ninth grade? And why was she working on the same damn school project the whole stinkin' movie, when it takes place over the span of three years? Kerri Russell's character butts heads with mom the whole movie about going to ballet school. By the time mom relents at the end, Kerri's 57 and can't even dance anymore, so who cares? Then there's this totally dumb omigod-Felicity-has-stomach-cancer scare which is resolved moments later with oh wait, no she doesn't. But that stuff happens the whole flick; the very first scene is everyone at an unknown person's funeral, then it flashes back three year so they keep faking like someone is gonna die and then they don't. Like BOO! HAH! GET IT AUDIENCE? YOU FELL FOR IT AGAIN!

In the meantime, the oldest daughter gets married, poops out two kids and is back to fighting trim by the last frame. I don't think so. But the worst part was the ending.....

*********SPOILER ALERT**********

DO NOT READ ANY FARTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ASSININE M. NIGHT SHAMALAMADING-DONG ENDING TO THIS CRAP MOVIE!

Joan Allen sells her land to some developers 'cuz she needs the dough. One of the workers stumbles across a well and in it is her husband's dead body. He didn't leave her, he went for a walk, fell in a well and died. THREE YEARS AGO. So.....one night, your hubby goes for a walk, never comes home and you immediately leap to "He left me! That jerk! I think I'll drink myself into oblivion for the next three years....it will never occur to me to call the police, even though he's made no effort to contact his children/mother/friends/co-workers!"

And even if the mom is that stupid, why the hell didn't any of the daughters suspect anything?

"Hey, my dad who loved me and went to my soccer tournament last week and told us daily how much we all meant to him left and hasn't called in three years...weird and totally out of character for him, but OK! It sucks and everything, but I won't bother investigating it at all even though I'm getting married and having babies..."

FOR GOD'S SAKE. HOW FREAKING STUPID CAN YOU GET?? And this poor guy's whole family decides to hate his guts while his bloated corpse rots away in a watery grave.....IN THE BACK YARD. Hmmm.....what's that rancid smell? Oh, nothing, probably just dog poop, by the way we hate dad! How dare he leave us and never call! SCREW DAD! Man it stinks, what is that? It's totally gonna wreck my wedding.......sure hate dad, though....

UGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

March 23, 05

I'm watching Project Greenlight on Bravo. So far, the most entertaining part of it is seeing Matt Damon trying to pull off air-lats in the promos. I guess there's a reason "It's not HBO, it's Bravo" never really took off.

Man was American Idol great tonight! Anwar is sinking like a rock. Everyone else is bringing their A game and he's just...not. He's got to get it together! It's Bo and Carrie, now, and I have to say I thought Constantine's "I Think I Love You" was GREAT.

Meg is still doing her homework and it's almost nine o'clock. I want the kids in bed at night so I can have a moment. Last week, she had to memorize all the  bones and muscles in the human body and then write a paper on Honduras joining CAFTA.  This is not the fourth grade I remember. But I had a  conference with her teacher today (totally by accident, I had no idea conferences were today but I was at school late picking up something from the office and I noticed my name on the sheet: McCollow 4:45, and there I was, so I acted all "Of course that's why I'm here, I'm a very good mother!") anyway, her teacher loves her and she's doing fine. The kids all had to write out their own pretend report cards, how they thought they were doing and what their weak spots/strong points were. Meg wrote that she still needs to work on her math but thinks she behaves better in class now. Her teacher and I read it and both burst out laughing, and Mrs. Voelble said, "yes, I'm so glad she's not such a trouble maker anymore."  

Which brings us to my son. Yesterday morning, Finbar refused to get in the car for school, opting to run laps around the outside of the house instead. I told Andrea to leave without him and he got put in his room. Andrea and I were in the kitchen a few minutes later and what comes past the window but all Finny's karate belts, all tied together in a big long chain. I run upstairs and he has ripped out his screen and is about to shimmy down the side of the house and escape.

He's grounded from his room for a week. Have you ever heard of a kid getting banned from his own room? He's sleeping on my floor in a sleeping bag.

Took them all Easter outfit shopping on Sunday. Meg and Molly picked out pretty pink dresses and Finny picked...a lime green zoot suit. Pictures to come.

I have to go to bed, my leg is twitching which is what happens when I'm overly tired.

March 30 '05

Hi everybody.

I'm watching the new show Eyes, starring ageless hunk Tim Daly. It's pretty good, kind of Moonlightingy. Loooooooooooved Moonlighting, although even back in the day, I thought Cybill S was miscast. Way too big and ugly for Bruce. Hey, that's a fun game: Onscreen couples where the woman is totally reaching above her station: (I'm only doing the women being overmatched, hot wise, since there are endless creepy old man/ pretty young girl couplings in movies and obviously, every sitcom on TV features a fat guy and his hot wife. Hell, EW's devoted entire issues to it.)

Kate and Leo: Sort of forgivable since they were on a boat and she was the only game in town

Bruce and Cybill: She looked like his mother if his mother were a man

Tom Cruise and Kelly whatsername in Top Gun: She looked like Cybill S's more masculine sister

Drew Barrymore and everyone

Andy McDowell and Hugh Grant in 4 weddings

That's all I can think of right now.  I also watched that Gray's Anatomy, that was good too....Patrick Dempsey YOWZAA. He's got to be the best example of someone exceeding expectations, looks wise, from what we saw of him as a teenager.  He is just SMOKIN'.

This letter seems to be taking on a very shallow tone, and I think we all know that's not me.  

OK. Hope everyone had a nice Easter! Ours was lovely.

Got woken up at 6 am by Finny, tap tap tappin' on my weary head adn yelling, "HAPPY EASTER!"  Had the big egg hunt, they found their baskets,  and by 7:30 am they were parked in front of The Incredibles in choco-comas. I read the paper and spent a nice leisurely time on my hair, since mass wasn't 'til 11:30.  We sat in the very back row, since Molly couldn't go into the nursery, and she did pretty well. She got pretty darn squirelly near the end, and right before communion she whisper-yelled, "MOMMY WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?"

I told her, "Jesus rose from the dead..." and she said "YUCK!" She made three rows of people laugh.

Then we stopped in to see Gramma Doris, she was asleep when we got there but I think she was happy we came.

Met everyone out at the club for brunch at 1:30, linner really, and it was very fun. Huge buffet, and upstairs in the ladies lounge there was an Easter bunny giving out treat bags to the kids. Molly loudly informed everyone the bunny was a fake. Then the  kids all took off together and we barely saw them again for the next three hours.  Ate like a horse and drank mimosas and didn't go home until 4:30, when Heidi said, "Don't you think the waiters probably have families?"  There must've been 300 people there when we arrived, and we closed the place down. Went home and poured myself and my kids into bed. With the exception of Mike and gramma and grampa's absences, it was  the perfect Easter. Thanks, Jesus!

Bad, un-pc thing to say du jour: Red string kaballah bracelets are about to be replaced by feeding tubes as the new must have celebrity accessory.

Sorry.

Meg has to run a mile at school tomorrow, she's totally scared half to death. She asked me yesterday if I would run one with her after school, so I brought her up and got her shoes and we went to the park to jog a slow mile. She made it three laps then burst into tears and said she couldn't do any more and we walked home, her sobbing the whole way. I looked like the most evil mom alive, forcing my little nine year old daughter to go running UNTIL SHE CRIED.  I'm worried about tomorrow, too, Mike thinks I baby her, but I really doubt a lot of adults could run a mile without having ever run before, either.  I HATE SCHOOL! LEAVE MY POOR BABY ALONE!

I'm goin 'to bed.

© Copyright 2005 katie.mccollow@mac.com