Yucky Salad with Bones

December 29 '07

Here's my list of top 100 songs of 2007. Why should you care? You
shouldn't. At all. Wait, that's not entirely true. If you're somebody who
only has time to listen to the car radio anymore or gave up on all the
new technology required to be able to keep up-- I feel ya. Music and
radio are at their worst point together since before the Beatles. Who
would have thought just 10 years ago that come 2008 radio and record
stores would basically be dinasours?
So scroll through it at your liesure-- if you're at
work you've got nothing better to do-- if you're not at work, do
something else. Some songs are on here to be funny, some are a
ridiculous attempt to achieve credibiltity (with who I have no idea,
whoever hands out the music credibility awards, I guess). Almost all of
them are songs I really liked this past year. I downloaded probably
2,000 songs in 2007-- so I've heard a ton of music-- but that
certainly makes my ear no more educated than anyone else's. I'm no
music snob-- if it sounds good to my ear, than I like it-- that's it,
those are my rules. I promise you you'd like at least 85 of these songs.
And I'm doing this in one sitting, so if I start saying the same thing
over and over, forgive me... I'm tired and I played tackle football with
my nephews yesterday so I can barely move.

100. 101-- Albert Hammond Jr
Dude from The Strokes goes out on his own for an album and it
sounds, um, like The Strokes with a different dude singing.
Could have been ranked higher, but where else would you
slot a song called 101-- ha, ha. Shutup you're stupid.

99. Everywhere-- Pink Martini
The 14 piece band from Portland, Oregon lends a touch of class to
our list. If you were hosting a fancy schmancy dinner party, you'd
want them playing in the backround. Plus Sarah loves them.

98. Lost Along The Way-- Moe
A long, catchy tune from a jam band from Buffalo that formed in
college 17 years ago. Some of their songs are that long.

97. Great Divide-- Hansen
A DJ at a hip Chicago station played this song for two weeks
without telling his listeners who it was. It became his most
requested song. After he told them it was Hansen the requests
died down. Music hipsters are such dorks.

96. Comfy In Nautica-- Panda Bear
One fourth of Animal Collective (apparently the Panda Bear
fourth) turns out a cool, trippy album-- this being the best song.

95. American Hearts-- AA Bondy
New York folkie with his biggest album yet. If you're wondering what
the failing poets in coffee shops in Soho are listening to on their
I-Pods as they scribble unreadable verse, this might be it.

94. Mistaken For Strangers-- The National
These guys from NY sound a little too mopey for me, that's probably
why all the alternative mopers like them so much. Good tune though.

93. Can I Get Get Get-- JUNIOR SENIOR
A rock-hip hop-pop duo from Denmark (psst: it's disco). Fun, fun song.

92. No One-- Alicia Keys
Yes, she can certainly sing her fanny off. No, apparently I don't like
her as much as a someone who loves music should.

91. Thick As Thieves-- Dashboard Confessional
A perfectly named band, as every song sounds like a wuss pleading with
his high school girlfriend. I sort of wish I didn't like 4-5 songs off
of all their albums, but I do. My inner wuss I guess.

90. Delivery-- Babyshambles
Ha-- Immediately crushing my inner-wuss by coming back with
a song by the walking drug overdose that is Pete Doherty. The guy's
a mess, but he sure can deliver the goods musically.

89. Tick Tick Boom-- The Hives
Did it really take this long for a band to do this in a song? I'm
guessing that when they go "boom" with their instruments kids all
across the
world are dunking their latest round of shots-- which is cool.

88. The Underdog-- Spoon
Critical darling from Austin, Texas finish out their 13th year together.
Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga is their best record yet, Britt Daniel's voice is aging
perfectly-- a little gruffer, a little more sand to the paper.

87. Young Folks-- Peter Bjorn and John
The "whistling" song. Was number one on tons of lists and was played
on just about every tv show that has a music play.

86. No One's Gonna Love You-- Band Of Horses
"Cease To Begin" is one of my favorite albums of the year-- these guys
from South Carolina just do it for me. They sound like a really,
really
cool 70's band-- listen to this song, it sounds like an updated great
Beach
Boys song. Dang, this should be ranked higher.

85. Big Girls Don't Cry-- Fergie
HA! Why does that dude from Vegas date her? She's really not that
hot. You couldn't get away from this song this year, and you can't get
away from it here. (Sometimes you have to include some songs like
this so that when you look back in 10 years you can groan and say,
"oh yeah, I remember that song."

84. The Valley-- Los Lobos
Boom-- I instantly get my credibility back! Great song, it makes you
feel like you're walking through the creepy parts of the San Fernando
Valley.

83. Thrown-- Buffalo Tom
Great comeback album from this Boston band-- their "Red Letter Day"
is in my top 10 albums of the 90's. 5-6 good songs of this year's
comeback. "You land where you are thrown"-- what a great line.

82. Kiss Kiss-- The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Karen O rocks, that's all there is to it. If my life was a movie and
there was a scene where I walked into a rock 'n roll bar in NYC, she'd
be on stage singing.

81. Setting Forth-- Eddie Vedder
Eddie turned out a great soundtrack for "Into The Wild". His voice has
never sounded older or wiser than it does on this tune. Plus it's only
a minute and a half long, how sweet is that?

80. 1-2-3-4-- Fiest
One thing we learned this year is that if they use your song to sell the
Nano I-Pod, then everyone on earth is going to be able to sing along to
it.

79. You!Me! Dancing!-- Los Campesinos!
Get through the annoying first 45 seconds of this song and then you'll
love it-- lots of fun. And that's the point of the song-- have fun.

78. Fire In The Canyon-- Fountains Of Wayne
Another great song off another great album from FOW. Nobody does
better songs about everyday things than these Jersey boys.

77. The Last Fight-- Velvet Revolver
Scott Weiland was always able to pull of the slower stuff with Stone
Temple Pilots and he does it again with this one-- not exactly a slow
song, but not heavy rock.

76. The Thanks I Get-- Wilco
These Chicago sell-outs sold a lot of Volkswagons with this one. Just
kidding-- "Um, you want to give us money to play our song in your
commercial and zillions of people will hear our song that never normally
would have? DUH!"

75. I Was Zapped By The Lucky Super Rainbow-- The Flaming Lips
Great tune off the "Good Luck Chuck" soundtrack. Weird name
and weird group, but not a weird song at all-- very catchy.

74. Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe-- Okkervil River
Another of the zillions of bands that have shot up out of Austin, TX.
Anthemic song that veers all over the place musically and lyrically.

73. You Got Yr Cherry Bomb-- Spoon
Did someone say Austin Texas? More goodness.

72. Bubbly-- Colbie Collait
Whoops, credibility alert! Oh, c'mon is it really possible to not like
this song? My 8th grade nephew made his mom turn off the radio
when this was on as he was getting out of the car at school-- as if
his friends might think he wrote and performed it. Which he could have
if he wanted to.

71. My Song-- Brandi Carlile
Most impressive voice I heard live all year. I was 200 yards from the
stage at the Basilica Block Party and we she kicked her voice into
overdrive it gave me goosebumps.

70. Knocked Up-- Kings Of Leon
Sprawling, rollicking tune about Jamie Lynn Spears, written a year
before she even got preggers. I love the Kings.

69. 7 Stars-- The Apples In Stereo
Bright, catchy, 60's style tunes from this Denver band. Just listen.

68. How Far We've Come-- Matchbox Twenty
I met their drummer last year-- he was a good guy. Plus I know that if
you've read this far into the list, you'll freaking read anything.

67. Red At Night-- The Gaslight Anthem
Slow song from these post-punk rockers from central Jersey. A whole
lot more on these guys later. I seemed to hit "repeat" every time I
listened to this song.

66. Wake Up Call-- Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers
This whole album kind of sounds like it was written hung over on a
boat down in the Sea of Cortez-- which is a good thing! Lacks a little
of the snarl we've heard on previous records-- but they do medium
tempo as well as anyone. Margaritas all around.

65. Come On Get Higher-- Matt Nathanson
Very hummable tune from this singer-songwriter from Massachusetts.
"Come on get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of
your hips" Makes me think about my favorite female.

64. Sweet Talk-- The Killers
Off their b-sides album released in November-- something about Brandon
Flowers' voice just goes perfectly with their musical arrangement. I
guess that's kind of what makes bands good. Duh.

63. Almost Ready-- Dinasour Jr.
The 10 years off doing other things certainly didn't take away from
this band from Amherst, Mass-- and this was the original trio's first
offering in 19 years. Revered by alt-music lovers in the 80's, "Beyond" proves
that great rock 'n roll is timeless. Dinasour Jr is a great
rock 'n roll band.

62. Since The Last Time-- Arrested Development
And speaking of comebacks... there have been a few albums here and
there, but nothing anyone really cared about since the early 90's smash
hits "Tennessee" and "Mr. Wendal".... They found the magic again on
this track.

61. Just A Girl-- Tim Mahoney
Minneapolis pop singer who won a national Ray-Ban contest for
"undiscovered star". His 2007 cd is his best since his first album.
He still sounds like a girl though.

60. Funnyman-- K.T. Tunstall
Best song yet from the 32 year old Scotland native-- very cool sound
to it. Off of maybe the worst named album of the year-- "Drastic
Fantastic".

59. Contraband-- Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers
Just a perfect song to sit back and wile away an afternoon drinking
Coronas. And the whole album falls under that category.

58. Invincible-- Muse
Kind of stolen from 2006, but I didn't have this song till this year,
so there you go. A soaring, ballady concoction from this "new prog" trio from
Devon, England.

57. I-95-- Fountains Of Wayne
I-Tunes describes FOW as taking from the finer points of The Beatles,
Raspberries and Squeeze-- they are great, simple story tellers set to
perfect pop. This one is about not only the long drives we take to see
the one we want to see, but the things you think about on the way.

56. Better That We Break-- Maroon 5
As Adam Levine continues to make his way through the Hollywood
A-list, Maroon 5's second album finally came out-- 5 long years after
their smash debut, "Songs About Jane". It was worth the wait-- as
good as the original was, "It Won't Be Soon Before Long" is easily
better than the first album, and that's saying something. Levine's voice
is on full display in this tune about realizing that a little hurt now
is probably more sensible than a lot later on.

55. This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race-- Fallout Boy
Probably the most beleagured band out there right now-- anyone into
music refuses to take them seriously and Pete Wentz' love of
getting in Us magazine probably doesn't do them any favors. But
the bottom line is, they churned out a lot of good tunes-- nothing too
important or memorable, but certainly fun to listen to. Wentz had a
great line when he said, "how can we be a boy band, our lead singer
is fat!"

54. Challengers-- The New Pornographers
"Supergroup" from Vancouver continues to crank out great songs.
Neko Case's voice could sound good singing anything-- and Carl
Newman writes great, intelligent songs.

53. Sticks And Stones-- Tim Mahoney
I haven't been a huge fan since he tried to trade me his cd for the
Charlie's Angels t-shirt I was wearing back in '95. His latest cd is
very good pop music.

52. Good Life-- Kanye West
Very fun, breezy song that was a perfect match for HBO's
"Entourage" where I first heard it. A great "going out and having
fun" song.

51. Summertime-- Bon Jovi
They are sounding a bit older and a little more run down on this
year's disc, and "You Want To Make A Memory" was one of my
least favorite songs of the year. This one though is just a good-time
rocker that should have been the song blasting from car stereos
last June on the way to the beach.

50. I'da Called You Woody, Joe/Wooderson-- The Gaslight Anthem
These rock/punk dudes from Jersey just murder on their debut cd.
Their songs are what having fun sounds like.

49. Rehab-- Amy Winehouse
Young Miss Winehouse was smart enough to realize that the easiest
way to make it huge is to be photographed super-smashed with
your makeup running all over the place and your bombs hanging out.
But she does have the goods to back it all up. Really got a cool voice.
It's different and weird and suits her-- as does this song.

48. Cry-- Dan Wilson
Long awaited solo cd from Semisonic frontman finally came out this year.
A little too soft for my taste, but some of the songs-- this one in
particular-- I couldn't stop listening to. Love the line: "Don't you want to make me
feel like I'm a thousand stories high?"

47. Halloweenhead-- Ryan Adams
Ryan Adams certainly has a head full of tricks and treats. He's made as
many great songs over the last 5 years than anybody. He rocks great and he
slows it down alt/country style great. This one rocks.

46. God Willing-- Dropkick Murphys
Who doesn't love the Dropkick Murphys??? They sound EXACTLY like you
think a bunch of drunk Irish kids in Boston should sound like. This one
sounds like it's one they would sing in their clubhouse before they go out
wilding.

45. Nolita Fairytale-- Vanessa Carlton
About as far away in style as the Murphys as you can get. This
piano-playing missy has a very sweet voice. Her songs just make me happy.

44. Flannigan's Ball-- The Dropkick Murphys
Let's get drunk again and smash things up!!! A little help on this one
from the deadest person alive, The Pogues Shane MacGowan. Another awesome
sing-along song.

43. One Blue Sky-- Sugarland
Best country album of the last two years. This chick can certainly make
it soar.

42. Time Won't Let Me Go-- The Bravery
Is there a better line to sum up a young depressed life than--
"I never had my summer of '69"? You can hear the yearning
for more coming out of the speakers at you.

41. Don't Matter-- Akon
Have you ever seen his real name??? It's just silly. Who'd a thought
a rapper from Senegal would have one of the catchiest songs of the
year? One of those songs that just got in your brain and stayed there.

40. Everything's Magic-- Angels and Airwaves
Both sides of the Blink 182 break up have turned out more great
music since the split. Tom Delonge's second disc, "I-Empire" is full
of soaring, galloping tunes, especially "A Call To Arms" and this one.

39. Starman-- Golden Smog
Minneapolis super-group went without it's most famous member
(Jeff Tweedy) this time out, but most of the best Smog songs have
been sung by The Jayhawks Gary Louris anyway. This re-make is
gorgeously ethereal, which "Starman" should be.

38. Little Cream Soda-- The White Stripes
"Icky Thump" is my favorite White Stripes album yet. Jack's guitar
is as booming and adventurous as ever. This is just a really, really
cool song.

37. Pictures Of You--The Last Goodnight
I feel like I should apologize for having this so high, but I was just
a sucker for this song. Enfield, Connecticut group toiled along for
a decade as "Renata" before being discoverd at The Whisky in LA.
This song was used by several tv shows and year-ender videos.

36. Radio Nowhere-- Bruce Springsteen
The boss roared back with his best album since the mid 80's. This song
just sounds tougher than anything he'd done in a long time. The guitars
crackle and Bruce's voice is in full on rumble mode.

35. Grace Kelly-- Mika
Dude couldn't sound more like Freddy Mercury if he tried-- and he
admits as much. A little disco, a little funk, a whole lotta glam--
this sound is pretty hard to resist.

34. Into The Night-- Santana w/Chad Kroeger
Chad Kroeger in my top 40???? Yup. Santana's guitar lends a
credibility to Kroeger's caricature of a rock voice-- it works.
Admit it, you sing along to this one.

33. Sleepless-- Until June
Best use of non-words singing all year. Three dudes from Phoenix who
moved to Hollywood to make it big. Another "featured on Grey's Anatomy"
band-- which makes it sound like it should make you gag, but this song
doesn't.

32. Starlight-- Muse
Soaring instruments and voice. Great song off a great album (but I think
it's from 2006). As one reviewer astutely wrote, "Matthew Bellamy had to
grow up idolizing the glitzy romance and bellowing caterwauls of Bono,
Bryan Ferry and Thom Yorke." Not bad company.

31. The World To Me-- David Gray
The best "added single to a greatest hits album" of the year. Great
voice and cool music-- he just needs to learn how to sing about something else
once in awhile. I hope his wife or girlfriend appreciate how much he sings
about them.

30. All Summer Long-- Kid Rock
Kid Rock smushes together "Werewolves of London" and "Sweet Home
Alabama" and it actually works. A tad on the cheesy side, but I'm not
someone who minds a bit of cheese. He looks back longingly on summers
past-- and who among us doesn't do that?

29. Say-- John Mayer
Simple song, simply played and simply sung and I completely love it.
For a guy who's gotten way to treakly in his writing at times it's a good
message to himself. I found myself hitting repeat a lot for this song.

28. Two Sisters-- Fiction Plane
I love the story in this song-- guy messes around with two sisters and
says he can't blame the dad if the guy blows him away. Joe Sumner
does indeed sound like dad (Sting).

27. Livin' In The Future-- Bruce Springsteen
Sounds like it came right off of "Born In The USA"-- hmm, maybe it did-
"We're livin' in the future and none of this has happened yet"??? This is
old-school E Street Band-- a lot of sax and a sing-along chorus.

26. 9 Crimes-- Damien Rice
34 year old Irish folkie was dumped by his fiance just before touring for his
last album-- this album is basically the sound of his heart shattering. Dude
played a tour that was full of songs about how much he loved her, she was
on stage with him and wasn't talking to him!!!! Ouch.

25. Umbrella-- Rihanna
Ella ella ella. Oh you never sang along??? Then you were the only one Mr
too cool for school. Overplayed? Well, only if you think ever half hour on
every radio station in the world is overplayed. Music people can argue
forever about music having soul and guts and over-production and blah
blah blah-- who has time to actually have these arguments??? What I
do know is that this is a fantastic pop song.

24. LDN-- Lily Allen
This song is what being in a good mood sounds like. If you walk down
the street with this on your I-Pod-- cartoon birds will circle your head
and you'll do a Gene Kelly spin around a light pole.

23. Forever Young-- Youth Group
Aussies hit number one in their home country with this cover version
of an Alphaville song. They hit big in the US when this and another of
theirs songs were featured on The OC. Sounds like a really pretty Beach
Boys song and there is always room for that.

22. Forever-- Dropkick Murphys
A re-working of the tune off of their 2001 album-- a better version. I could
include every song off of "The Meanest Of Times" on this list. As this
song proves, the Murphys can be sweet, but they're always just a second
away from slamming a shot of Jameson and punching you in the face.

21. Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors-- Editors
It's hard to hear this song and not imagine yourself on a dance floor in some
cool dance bar in the UK. (The same dance bar that I would never walk into
here in our country). This is certainly an 80's song with an updated something-
or-other than makes it work now. Why is it provocative for Brits to be
depressed, but just lame here? (Oh yeah-- because the sun never comes out
there and there's nothing to do but go to pubs and talk about music and fooball)

20. 27 Jennifers-- Mike Doughty
The former front-man for Soul Coughing churns out another great song-- I like
this song as much as anything off his 2005 album "Haughty Melodic" which was
one of the best albums of the decade. Can't wait for his 2008 album.

19. Are You Alright?-- Lucinda Williams
My favorite song ever from her. You can feel the weight of the world pushing
down on her in her voice, but this song also has hope. In the end if you're
still alive than things aren't that bad. It makes me think of people from my past
who I don't see anymore and you just sort of hope that they are ok.

18. The Story-- Brandi Carlile
Her singing this at the Basilca block party this summer was simply one of the
most impressive performances I've ever seen. Wow can she belt it out!

17. Big Casino/Chase This Light-- Jimmy Eat World
Just couldn't pick between these two songs off the Mesa, Arizona band's
fantastic 2007 album. They're songs that lift you up and put you in a better
mood than you were in before.

16. Two-- Ryan Adams
The most prolific dude in music right now just slays me with this one. It
makes me want to slow dance with somebody at a small town carnival.

15. Friday Night At The Drive In Bingo-- Jens Lekman
What it would sound like if you were at a hipster club in the early 60's.
He's funny, the songs are cool and he sings them well.

14. Maybe We Should Fall In Love-- Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers
Is there anything better than when you meet somebody and all the sudden
your whole body is on red-alert? You click with them, they make you laugh
and you seem to make them laugh. Of course, then she's dating somebody
else.

13. Megan Don't Know-- Jessie Malin
This is just fantastic rock 'n roll-- the best song off of a fantastic
rock 'n roll album. How this guy hasn't become famous is beyond me.

12. Nothing Lasts Forever-- Maroon 5
This song hit home with me on a bunch of different levels. Word.
Great voice, cool song.

11. Want To-- Sugarland
This has to be the highest I've had a country song since Garth Brooks'
second album. It fit into my life perfectly and this chick can flat out sing.

10. Mr. Goodnight-- Prince
Welcome back to the top 10 oh Purple one! His best album since the
mid 80's has lots of good songs, but this one just slays me. It's
old-school Prince just laying on the seduction vibe like only he can.
Justin Timberlake, R Kelly, Diddy, Kanye and all you other Shawtys
out there (I don't know what that means-- does that work there?)
THIS is out seduction is done!

9. Long Walk Home-- Bruce Springsteen
This is probably a little high, but his new album was just so great that
I wanted to put something in the top 10. Maybe what happened is that
the two kids that burned rubber out of town in "Thunder Road" finally
ran out of gas.

8. The Pretender-- Foo Fighters
For Those About To Rock. Bang your head to this bad boy.

7. True Love Way-- Kings Of Leon
Talk about rock 'n roll. These guys take the "real" rock from the 70's
and up the ante. This is the sound of the best keg party you've ever
been to.

6. Is There A Ghost?-- Band Of Horses
These guys from South Carolina, along with Kings of Leon and My
Morning Jacket are putting out AWESOME updated 70's rock.
Just 15 words in this song but it says as much as any song on this
list.

5. Bruised-- The Bens
From the EP released by Ben Folds, Ben Lee and Ben Kweller-- but
let's face it, this is a Ben Folds song. If you can play the piano and
have a great singing voice, you've got me. He's got them in spades.

4. You Don't Know What Love Is-- The White Stripes
Their best song yet. Jack's guitar just snarls at you. The words are
a little harsh, but more than likely way too true for zillions of people.

3. The Rest Of My Life-- Less Than Jake
The second song with this title to make my top 10 this decade. Weird.
Just a great, great rock song.

2. Flathead-- The Fratellis
Because Apple knows more about music than we do. Because that
purple drawing in the commercial was the coolest, hippest dancer
ever. Because the amount of joy this song gives my 2-year old nephew
is off the charts. Doesn't matter how hard he's crying, you play this song
and he smiles and does the wiggle-dance.

1. A TIE!!! How lame is that???? I love both songs so much I can't decide:
The best two songs of 2007 are:

We Came To Dance and Drive-- both by The Gaslight Anthem
That this album didn't explode all over the place baffles me.These rock 'n
roll punks from Jersey came out with a stunning debut album.
I beg you to go to Youtube and watch the video to "Drive" and not
agree with me. They are having so much fun pounding away on their
instruments and their lead singer just has "it" as much as you can
have it. I played "We Came To Dance" for a lot of different people this
year and every single one of them said two minutes in, "wow that's a
great song". Yes it is. And "Drive" might be better. Newcomers of
the year, band of the year, album of the year, songs of the year.

Every song on this list is available on I-Tunes except the Kid Rock one.

December 24 '07

A Christmas Newsletter From An Angry Little Man

Hi there and happy holidays to all!!!! My lovely wife, Trophy, the 3.2 kids, Slapshot (the dog), and I are all just doing so fantastic!!!! Slapshot says "woof" to his hunting buddies, Brock and Bullet-- you guys know what I'm talking about-- lol!!!

I hope this letter finds you all as fortunate as we've been-- we're all gathered in front of a crackling fire donned in our holiday sweaters-- drinking hot chocolate and singing Christmas Carols!!! (Yes Brock, mine is a wee-bit stronger, lol, ma man!!!!)

Great news-- our youngest, Tahoe, took his first pee-pee in the toilet earlier today, so we're all just bursting with pride! Statue (that's Trophy, ha-ha, pet name alert!) looked it up on her iPhone delux and little Taho is a full three weeks ahead of when most normal children micturate in the loo! As most of you know (many of you often comment on it), Tahoe is a brilliant child and we are already discussing what might be a better fit for him, Stanford or Harvard-- it really never is too soon to plan ahead, the last thing Troph and I want to do limit his horizons-- I mean, he's already going pee-pee in the toilet!!!! Why isn't there a University just called Ifyourchildisperfectsendthemhere ???

Though I hate talking about myself, I know you are all wondering-- and what you've probably heard is true-- my company still has me on the fast track to the upper levels of management!!!! (I'm pretty sure the boss-man wasn't bothered by the nine Irish car bombs I destroyed at the Christmas party--- ahh, opposite in fact-- wait til you get a load of my record X-mas bonus!!!!) Enclosed most of you will find a copy of the story that ran in the August edition of Denver business on the monster deal I closed this summer-- what? Oh, I know, stop it I’m blushing--LOL!!!! For those of you who don't have the story enclosed, please go to the Denver business website and look it up, you won't be disappointed! (Feel free to leave a comment talking about me!) So, the MAJOR HOLIDAY BONUS-- I'll get to that in just a sec, but oh my gosh, I just HAVE TO say thand ! I wish you were all lucky enough to be here right now to see and hear BRECKENRIDGE singing "SILENT NIGHT" solo!!!! This young girl is just SO TALENTED! I'll just admit it, Trophy and I are holding hands right now and WE'RE BOTH CRYING!!!!

Anyway, back to my bonus... Well, as most of you know, I have a TERRIBLE time talking about myself and all my SUCCESSES. It's one of my main shortcomings, I know-- the squeaky wheel getting the grease and all. I guess modesty is just one of the crosses I've been asked to bear. But I won't apologize for letting my actions speak louder than my words!!!! Anyway, I know many of you are wondering how lucky we've been this holiday season, bonus-wise, so I'll let you in on the numbers.... (UGH, THIS IS SO HARD FOR ME!!!!) drumroll..... I'll just say this: John the Baptist, Malcolm X, Nelson Mandela, Socrates, Dr. Phil and Monet. GET IT???? Wait for it.... wait for it.... those are SIX FIGURES I look up to and learn from on a daily basis!!!!! I'M NOT KIDDING--- SIX FIGURES!!!! HIGH-FIVE, LOL!!!!

Well now BRECKY AND HOPE are dueting on "THE FIRST NOEL" and OH MY GOSH-- THEY ARE SO GOOD!!!! I swear it's like listening to the ANGELS singing!!!! TROPHY is overcome with tears again as she brings in more GINGERBREAD COOKIES hot off the stove. I'll tell you what, I promise you I'll put these carols to disc and bless you all with a copy for next holiday season, it's the least I can do for you considering all the good luck I've had!!!! YOU'RE SO WELCOME!!!!!

I guess I can't go on any longer without talking about our eldest, WONDERMENT, who keeps us all AMAZED and ERECT with his feats, both ARTISTIC and ACADEMIC!!!! (I can almost hear you all saying, "well the apple doesn't fall too far!" LOL, THANK YOU!!!!) It simply amazes me how he can stay so grounded while possessing the brains of EINSTEIN (not the bagel shop owner, ha-ha, LOL, sorry, this stuff just comes to me!!!) and the artistic slants of HEMINGWAY and PICASSO. He recently showed me the essay he wrote for his third grade English class. The assignment was, "A Problem You Have and How You'll Solve It". Leave it to WONDERMENT to write on GLOBAL WARMING, complete with HORRIFYINGLY REALISTIC art in the margins (trees being murdered and such). He told me he! just "writes and draws what he feels"-- he SAID THAT!!!! I humbly submit to you: how blessed are Trophy and I????

So in summary of the YEAR that was: My GENITALIA is TOO HUGE and ENORMOUS and my wife and offspring are a complete reflection of that HUGENESS!!!!! I AM TOO SWEET AND YOU ALL MUST KNOW ABOUT IT!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! (I don't care that you are totally cringing in disbelief as you read this--- I'm way too busy high-fiving myself for something sweet I just did or thought to waste a second caring about what the likes of you think about anything!!!)

If you'd like a photograph of TROPHY, THE KIDS AND I, just send a check for $9.95 ($12.95 for a signed copy) to Troph and she'll have one out to you in just 6-8 weeks!

And if you'd like to read more about our accomplishments and feats during the past year, just log on to: readeverylittlethingaboutmyboringasslifeintheguiseofaholidayletter.com and click on THE A-HOLES.

And PEACE TO ALL and to all a GOOD NIGHT!!!!!

(1) There really is no "family" per se, it's just me and my assorted bottles of Corona, Captain Morgan and PBR Ponies (who needs more family than that?)

Five Songs to Download:

1. Mr. Goodnight-- Prince (Back to being full-on-dirty-seducer-of-women-Prince)

2. Halloweenhead-- Ryan Adams (The guy cranks out 5-6 great songs a year, he's either on his way to the Hall of Fame or he's going to explode)

3. Say-- John Mayer (Hey look, a medium paced John Mayer song that doesn't make me want to take a hacksaw to my nuts!)

4. Lollipop-- Mika (Throw on a satin shirt, down 4 Jager-bombs and get up and dance!!!! Please just don't do it anywhere around me)

5. Kiss Kiss-- Yeah Yeah Yeahs (She keeps getting her rrrrock on)

December 20 '07

Shortest day of the year, is it? Well good, 'cuz I didn't sleep very well last the night (I haven't slept all that well since September; thanks for caring) and I could use an early night.

So many movies coming up I want to see! Gon' see "Juno" tomorrow; people keep calling it "this year's Little Miss Sunshine"; I hope not, for everyone's sake. OK, really just for my sake, let's be honest, it's every man for himself, right? I mean if you go plunk down 9 bones for a movie and then don't like it, much as I may pretend to care, I really don't. Kind of like you with my insomnia.

"Charlie Wilson's War", too...Aaron Sorkin, Mike Nichols, Tom Hanks? I smell a winner. Actually I smell a weiner, but that's a different post for another day.

"Atonement", of course, I am after all a sucker for a doomed romance. If it were up to me, not only would everyone break out singing all the time but also have their hearts ripped out daily. Not really badly, just enough for a person to pull off a really convincing pensive stare out a train window.

"Sweeney Todd"; this may surprise some of you since I made no bones about the fact that I was not a fan of the Michael Cerveris/Patty Lupone relaunch in '06, and even though it was a critical darling, apparently I wasn't alone in my opinion since it closed after about 14 seconds. I'm exaggerating. Sue me, it sucked. But Johnny Depp is in this one! I can't wait.

A friend asked me recently why, if I have a such a deep and obsessive love for all things musical, I never went that way myself. Simple, really, there's this thing called "talent" and I ain't got it.

Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron.

That, of course, is from "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" and perfectly describes my own relationship with muscial theater, with the exception that I don't know anyone named Freddy and it is I who am a moron.

Molly comes shrieking into the tv room last night as I am addressing Christmas cards (likelihood of me ever mailing them out: zero):

"Mooooooooom! My hair ripped it ripped I didn't do it!!"

I could barely understand her, so beside herself she was, and it was a good 15 seconds before I really understood what I was looking at.

She cut her hair.

I thought at first she had on a hat, it looked so strange; but no, Molly who was blessed with beautiful, blonde Nicole Kidmanesque curls, cut to the roots everything from her ears forward.

She now looks like Joe Dirt.

Can't believe Jamie Lynn Spears dun got herself knocked up! Seriously, I am shocked.

December 17, '07

Yes, kids, Christmas has officially come early: Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Solomon, whom she married 2 months ago fresh from her divorce from Kid Rock after a 5 month union.

The woman is actually making a mockery of divorce.

"Extras" series finale last night on HBO; an absolutely perfect grace note to another brilliant show from my man Ricky G. Maybe he isn't "my man" per se, but dern goblet, what a great show.

December 14, '07

The best writer in America is now the best writer in the blogosphere; check it out. You can catch Steve's columns on the back page of Time Magazine now, and he is always most entertaining when completely unleashed.

Just finished watching the 30 Rock Christmas special on DVR; too stankin' funny is what that was. So, you know, we haven't done a lot of talkin' 'bout Christmas coming up, have we? I guess I haven't done a lot of talking about anything lately, I've got some catch up to play.

First off, I think it's time to take this blog up a notch. By that I mean finally, after 3 long and depressing years, clean out the bugs and make this thing worth reading. The truth is, as I've mentioned before, I'm not all that interested in making it better. I like things the way they are, all confusing and senseless. It makes me feel at home. But Billy wants a "comments" section and a bunch of other high-falutin' crap.

"How about an expense account, too? Perhaps a blackberry for your personal use? A whore at midnight who doesn't ask too many questions, would you like one of those? How about the blood from my viens?" I asked him when he suggested it.

Not really. I think the conversation went more like this:

B: "How come people can't leave comments?"

Me: " I dunno."

B: "Can we make it so they can?"

Me: "I dunno. Maybe. I want some more fudge."

I've thought about making updates and improvements in the past...I've been getting grief from day one about how archaic this whole set-up is, but I have to admit that at this point, I sort of perversely cling to that. I don't have pierced ears for the same reason. At this stage, it's all that sets me apart. All right, that's not true in either case. The reason I don't make updates or pierce my ears is I don't feel like it.

But I'm thinking about it, although I'm not sure I want a comments section. Seems to me that's just an invitation for trouble.

Driving along with Fran today, we see a front porch on a house festooned with stuffed Santas hanging from their necks.

"Why the lynched Santas? Why is that fun?" she says to me.

That's why. So she could say that is why it was fun.

December 12 '07

Look, I did have every intention of getting back here on the first of the month, but stuff happened that made it impossible. Maybe "impossible" is a strong word; it's not like I had my hands chopped off in a farming accident, but if I'd said "inconvenient" that would've made me sound lazy. And you know, what if my hands had been chopped off? How come you didn't even send me a card? I mean you didn't know, right?

So I was in Chicago this weekend, killing a few birds...spent time with a girlfriend I haven't seen in forever, went to the art institute with a man friend I haven't seen in forever and signed a new contract with the RedEye for '08. That was very fun; made me feel kinda not so useless to go striding on up to the newsroom at the Tribune tower, all fancy pantsy...look, we all know the goofy stuff I write ain't changing the world, but I like to think it might make someone out there chuckle...plus it keeps me from cutting myself. I'm totally kidding, I still cut myself. I'm kidding!! That is so wrong to make jokes about stuff like that, I know, especially during this holy season.

Oh, speaking of that, get this: the other day I look down at my cell (something I rarely do; if you think I'm bad at posting, try calling me. I won't answer and I won't call you back. I find if I just tell people that up front, if I just put it out there, everyone is much happier. And it isn't because I don't think you're worth the trouble, you totally are, it's that I can never find the phone in my house when it rings and I never, ever remember to check my messages. I could be halfway across the room to check my messages and oh, hey, fudge, think I'll have some of that, but I can't eat fudge without paging through Oprah and the next thing you know it's Tuesday. Does that make sense?

Anyway, for some weird reason I did look down at my cell phone and saw that there was a message. Look at the number, and my hand to God, it's 666-666-6666.

Um, why is Satan calling me?

Now as y'all may know, I'm a nice Catholic girl, well I'm Catholic anyway, and this is just the sort of thing that I do not want to happen.

I did not call the number back, in fact I deleted it and I just want to say right here, right now, If you are reading this, Satan, do not call me again. I mean it.

Cleaning up the house this morning and I find another one of Molly's homemade books. This one is called "My Dog". The prose is as follows:

"My dog is cute. His name is Molly. I love him."

And there is a really adorable picture of a little girl and a dog, and they both have balloons coming out of their mouths that say "Hi Molly!"

Blew off last night's Christmas concert at school. Well, not really, what happened was this: It's 6:30, Finny has to be there at 6:45, he's bawling his eyes out which, by the way, are ringed with dark purple circles. I looked at him and thought "Why am I dragging this little boy who is exhausted back up to school in the middle of the night for what is really just a parental photo op?" So we all put on our jammies, made Christmas cookies and watched the first half of Muppets Christmas Carol instead. Sorry school, but sometimes I have to make the call for the home team.

Decmber 8 '07

So I know all you Salad readers are probably getting frustrated by Katie’s lack of posting. (No, Bill, tell us more about your body hair--you freak!) Well, you all know how much Katie obsesses over all things Hollywood, right? I honestly think she’s pretending she writes for her favorite show, “30 Rock” and is honoring the writer’s strike in her head. (Katie’s head, to those who know her well, is called “Made-Up Land”.)
It wouldn’t surprise me at all if she was out walking along the sidewalk in front of her home with a picket sign and talking out loud like a crazy person. But in “Made-Up Land” I guarantee you she’s laughing and chatting with her good friend Tina Fey.

Anyhow, I’ll channel Katie the best I can for the rest of this post:

Lest ye not wonder where I’ve been dear readers—thy fallow period is neigh at an end. Wait, what? “Neigh” means to whinny like a horse? Well aren’t you just oh-so clever? That’s what I meant to say anyway. Yes it is, shutup. You’re stupid. Oh for heaven’s sake, Molly just flitted through the kitchen in her flopper dress singing “You Can’t Stop The Beat” from Hairspray. Moll was actually eating her entire dinner for a week or so, she had decided she wanted to get fat like Nikki Blonsky so she could dance better. I had to explain to her that Miss Blonsky wasn’t a good dancer because she was overweight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Oh, whatever Jennifer Love Hewitt, you’re fat—instead of whining about it, lose 10 pounds and we’ll get off your case.

Anyhoo, thank goodness Molly has moved on to singing, “You Can’t Stop The Beat”—she was stuck on “The Nicest Kids In Town” for far too long. Nothing like being in line at the grocery store and having your child sing out, “And once a month, we have our “negro day”!

Y’all, we went to Bunny’s last Friday for a pseudo high-school reunion type thing and it was just a gas! Slurped back four G & T’s and had a grand old time! Probably didn’t need to sneak out back with Mumzie for a ciggy-break, but what the hey, right? Cuuuuuzzzzz you can’t stop the beat… na na na na na na na na na NA!!!! Hey, why is there no big dancing/musical movie coming out this December? I guess “Walk Hard” will have to do. Buuuuuutttttt, it can’t stop the beat, na na na na na na na na na na NA!!!

Hey, did I mention that “Hairspray” has been in heavy rotation at the casa de McCollow? I didn’t? Well it has. It’s the most, to say the least.
Boop boop de boop boop….. CAUSE YOU CAN’T STOP THE BEAT!!!!!!!

Okay, gotta run, the Christmas cookies are burning. I’ll be back to write more later (and that’s a lie every time I write it).

Lemon out.

editor's note: I'm Billy! I'm short, hairy and angry and the only thing I like to do more than stuff my pie hole with Doritos is reminisce about some girl from 10th grade I never had the stones to actually date! I like dirty words!!!!

And anyway it isn't called "Made-up Land", it's called "It Is To Me-ville", and just because Tina Fey doesn't know it doesn't mean we aren't dear, dear friends.

Sheesh. A girl takes a nap for 45 days only to find the direction of this blog going straight into the dumper. Honestly, what in the sam hell was that whole bit about Bill wanting to inflict testicular damage to French people who like movies?

Ugggggh! The cookies really did burn!!