My favorite hobby is watching awards shows on television. Pathetic, I know,
but I love it. The following screeds are my post-awards shows thoughts for
the last year or so's worth.

January 19, '06: The Golden Globes

Golden Shower for Brokeback Mountain

"No, I don't take questions from Canada." --Steve Carell, deadpanning to a
Canadian reporter

Let’s get after it:

The Red Carpet

We’re here live in McCollow’s T.V. room bringing you hot hot hot red carpet
action from the Golden Globe awards via McCollow’s T.V…

First up we’ve got Jeff Daniels, whose too-small flat front trousers make me
wonder if he hasn’t taken this whole “Squid and the Whale” thing a little
too seriously…Isaac Mizrahi has taken over hosting duties from Joan Rivers
and so far he’s asked Eva Longoria if she shaved her pubic hair, Patrick
Dempsey if he and his wife were “going to stay together” and Hilary Swank,
who separated from her husband 20 seconds ago, if she was hot to trot
tonight.  Folks, I think Isaac has been sniffing glue again.

Here comes Kiera Knightly, looking completely gorgeous in a white Valentino
that actually fits, a rare feat for an actress these days…Kyra Sedgewick has
obviously tired of the shlumpy outfits she has to wear on The Closer, as her
globes are on full display tonight…ahhh, George Clooney…that guy knows how
to wear a tux…Isaac just asked him what diet he used to lose the weight he
gained for his role in Syriana and George quipped “the one called Eating
Less”…that George, what a cutup…whoa…who’s that? Why it’s Peter Falk,
everyone, looking like he just fell off the spaceship. Is he even supposed
to be here tonight? I think he just wandered in off the street looking for
potato chips. Would someone please point Peter in the right direction before
he starts chewing on Gwyneth Paltrow’s dress? And Gwynie, you’re having a
baby, you’re not actually a baby. What’s with the tree-topper angel getup?
Well, she is pregnant, which can definitely cause bad taste. They don’t tell
you that in health class but it’s true DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT? ABORT! ABORT!

                                   ****BWAA**BWAAA***BWAAA****

Oh, my Lord…I need to go get an ice pack for my eyes, the camera just zoomed
in close on Rachel Weitz and her British…dental work…did she just eat Oreos?
Folks, I don’t know what’s worse, what’s going on above her neck or below
it. She’s wearing Joaquin Phoenix’s hair from Walk the Line and seems to
have dipped her face into a can of red paint…I think her dress is made of
wood…oh, wait, she’s pregnant too. Well, that explains her too, including
the Oreo teeth.

Here comes Felicity Huffman, and she’s dressed as her Transamerica
character, what fun! Oh, whoops, that’s Nicolette Sheridan…well then who’s
that with Seal? It’s Heidi Klum? It is? Evangeline Lily’s green dress is
stunning…Rosario Dawson is wearing a muumuu, why would a woman with a body
like hers wear a bed sheet? Ditto Sandra Oh…there’s Access Hollywood host
Nancy O’Dell, who despite a broken nose still showed up tonight.. you gotta
love a woman who can take a punch….Johnny Depp….oooooohhhhhhh Johnny, you
dirty little womprat…me love you long time…

Here comes Reese…oh dear…there seems to be a carp lying across her
chest…that’s too bad, let’s hope she does better on Oscar night and doesn’t
let Johnny Cash’s first wife pick out her dress…Mary Louise Parker…I know
Billy Crudup left you for a ten-year-old but that’s no reason to start
dressing like one yourself.

There’s Felicity Huffman, she looks pretty…hey, there’s that kid who plays
Harry Potter…why is he wearing a dress? Oh sorry, that’s Natalie Portman, my
bad.

What’s with Adrian Brody? He’s wearing an ascot and his hair looks like
Warren Beatty’s did in Shampoo…He looks like he’s doing an imitation of what
an actor should look like…YOWZA Patrick Dempsey…Wooof…folks, I do believe
Virginia Madsen is a lock for the Over-the-Hill Hosebag award, her pimply,
winter-white arms are the perfect backdrop for her many tattoos and I think
she stole her dress off the set of My Name is Earl…wait…here comes the
Grande Dame of trash herself, Melanie Griffith, who’s won this award every
year since it’s inception…and darn it if she isn’t out-skanking Virginia
tonight! She’s got what appears to be an ace bandage draped over her
arms…that’s brilliant…the sight of her evokes the smell of stale cheese and
Monistat…I should know by now not to count out ol’ Mel, dependable warhorse
that she is…wow…suddenly Virginia looks like amateur night at the dog track.

That guy from Deadwood, what’s his name? He looks like Frank Zappa disguised
as Al Pacino. Josh Duhamel is one skipped protein shake away from being
Johnny Knoxville.

Drew Barrymore YEEEK! The drab hair, the eyebrows, the poison green quiana
dress and the lack of underwear…she could make Colin Ferrell go Brokeback,
if you know what I’m sayin’…this might be a sweep, people, Drew may just
sweep all categories for Sartorial Offenses…what the…is that Mrs.
Butterworth? Ladies and Gentlemen, Mrs. Butterworth! Wait, what’s that?…I’m
getting a note from a field reporter…People, that is not, in fact, Mrs.
Butterworth, it’s Mariah Carey.

Emma Thompson and Geena Davis tied for Dress That Is Completely
Inappropriate For a Lady of a Certain Age (and a certain weight
class...sorry Emma, I love you but no one who weighs more than Nicole
Ritchie should attempt bias-cut satin unless your aim is to look like
there's more than one of you under there). Geena’s frock had the added bonus
of being completely inappropriate for any year that isn’t 1985. Geena, you’
re a big woman, with big birthin’ hips. Don’t stick a bunch of giant red
bows on them. The woman who co-wrote Brokeback mountain is wearing the
perfect example of an age-appropriate and lovely gown.

Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger, adorable…Heath baby…if I were ten years
younger, I’d jake your gyllenhall…Russell, Russell…lookit you, all contrite
smiles. I forgive you for deep-sixing Cinderella Man’s box office with one
heave of a phone, even if Ron Howard probably never will.

Renee Zellwegger looks spectacular. She’s knocked it out of the park
again…good for her, the poor kid’s had a rough year…


The Show


I was glad Felicity Huffman won, I have a soft spot for her, but her
flibertty-jibbitt hyperventilating speech style has passed it’s sell-by
date. It isn’t cute, Felis, get it together. Same with Sandra Oh, why are
you pretending you can’t find the stage? It’s that big thing at the front of
the room. George…oh George, must you? I love you, but you’ve gotta learn
when to stick a sock in it.  I was happy Phillip Seymour Hoffman won, I
haven’t seen Capote but I’ve always liked him.

Let’s get something straight: Jack Nicholson has earned the right to get
drunk and disorderly and stop the show with his howling whenever he feels
the urge. Even Julia Roberts, who annoyed the hell out of me the night she
tackled Denzel Washington, at least can fall back on the fact that she’s
earned her stripes. Some of these B-listers last night were trying to pull
the same thing and frankly, I object.

Ryan Phillipe? Shut-up and sit down, you little greenhorn. You’re six months
away from sitting next to Chad Lowe in the bleachers outside.

S. Epatha Markenson? Same to you, trying to get all “I call the shots around
here” with the orchestra halfway through your 4 hour speech. Wait a second,
there wasn’t even an orchestra last night, the length and dullness of your
blah blah blah-ing just made Melanie Griffith so bored she pulled out her
butt-trumpet. Again.

Teri Hatcher? I know you’re all hopped up on diet pills, but last night you
were acting like a blue-face-painted college kid at a football game.
“Desperate” indeed.

Pam Anderson walked onstage literally wearing a tit-sling. Maybe one of her
girls popped backstage and she had to do some quick repair work.

I'm really glad Joaquin Phoenix won, but jiminy cricket…he had Carl Eller’s
rug on his head and a look on his face like he’d just come from a lobotomy.
At one point the camera cut away to him sitting at his table and I swear I
saw him drool into his dinner.

Love Anthony Hopkins, but his speech was a snooze. Why did Gwynnie keep
calling him “Antony”? Is that how you say it, and if it is, how come I’ve
never heard that before? How do you say her name, is it Gwynet?

The highlight of the show, of course, was Steve Carrell’s speech. He and his
cute wife looked like your next-door neighbors but all dressed up nice, I
thought they were the cutest couple of the evening. After the show, that
moronic woman form E! was interviewing him:

Moronic woman: “Did your wife really write your speech?”

SC:  “no, I wrote it. I ran it past her, though.”

Moronic woman: “Where did you write it?”

SC: “I went to Honolulu.”

Priceless.

And of course, Brokeback Mountain won the big award, no surprises there,
although I’ve never understood why a drama is considered more “important”
than a musical or comedy, but that's not near as big a mystery as why Walk
the Line was in the 'Musical or Comedy' category in the first place.

© Katie McCollow, 2006

Oscars '05

"Shh!! Everyone quiet down, they're about to announce Bobby's
category......"

"Oh Madge, you must be so proud!"

"Well we saved for 20 years to put Bobby through art school, you know, and
Fred even sold part of his liver..."

"SHHH! Here it comes!"

(cut to the television, where I think it's Laura Linney but it might be a
vampire wearing a toilet paper dress, announces the winner of the animated
short film)

"And the winner is....Bobby Feldenstein!" Ms. Linney tosses  the statuette
over her shoulder to no one in particular. It rolls onto the floor, and
Bobby has to scramble under a row of seats to get it. Ms. Linney kicks him
as she goes hopefully home to change and re-do her hair.  Oscar finally in
hand, Bobby starts to walk down the stairs and is shoved back into his seat
in the balcony by a bouncer. He is surrounded by some empty chairs and a
couple of winos who appear to have wandered in for warmth.)

Bobby: "Wait...can I at least say something? My dad sold his liver..."

Bouncer: "Tell it to the gargoyle, loser. The stage is for the important
people like Hilary Swank."

Bobby: "But the documentary guys got to go up on stage, even though they
were all coralled together and had to stand there like Miss America
contestants..."

Bouncer: "Your two minutes are up.  Pack your things and get out. A wino
needs your seat."

I was waiting for them to just start sling-shooting statuettes into the
crowd, like they do with t-shirts at basketball games.

So producer Gil Cates did away with all the things I've complained about all
these years, and here I am, complaining again. I felt bad for Bobby (I don't
remember the name of the real person who won that award, some redhead I
think) and everyone else who worked their whole lives, made it to the top of
their professions and on the big night, weren't even allowed on stage.  Even
worse were the ones treated like beauty contestants.  Four of the five had
to slink off empty-handed in full view of everyone. How humiliating.

The whole thing was just super low rent, did anyone else think so? From the
ill-fitting dresses to the horrible paper mache oscars twirling around on
the stage to the musical performances WHICH ALL STUNK.  Melanie Griffith, in
her snake lady outfit with tattoos on full display, was like the show's
mascot. How perfect was it that she accessorized with.....a cast on her leg?

Let's back up to those ill-fitting dresses....holy cow, did every mirror in
Hollywood disappear? Did all the tailors go on strike? It seemed like every
other actress had on a dress that was too small. Katie Winslet's was a
beautiful color....and a size too small. Maggie Gyllenhall, Gwyneth Paltrow,
Sandra Oh, Renee Zellwegger, Charlize Theron, all very svelte women, all
popping out of their  tiny dresses. Star Jones', on the other hand, was way
too big. Seems impossible, but it's true. Same with Spike Lee's wife and
Natalie Portman, that's two misfires in a row for her. I loved Cate
Blancette's dress, although SHE TOTALLY DIDN'T DESERVE TO WIN, she stunk in
that movie. SHE DID. So over the top she boomeranged back and went over it
again. I also thought Oprah, Helen Mirren and Annette Bening's frocks were
perfect examples of age-appropriate but still beautiful.   Annette has got
to get off the Darvocet, though. Virginia Madsen's was pretty, but again,
the tattoo wrecked it. Hilary Swank.......great from the back, awful from
the front......it looked like it was spring loaded and in danger of popping
off at any moment. Not as bad as her speech though, man! She's just painful
to listen to, waaaaaaay too tough-as-nailsy. I bet she treats Chad Lowe like
James Spader treated Maggie Gyllenhall in "Secretary".... 

"Hey Rob! Get my cigarettes!"

"I'm, um, I'm Chad..."

"Damn right you ain't Rob....by the way I DID CORKY IN YOUR TRAILER!"

She deserved to win, though, she did.  She tore it up in that flick. Maybe
someday she'll win one for playing a woman.  How funny was the voiceover as
she was walking to the stage?

"She's the only woman ever to win for playing a boxer!"

The men: Johnny Depp...well he can get away with anything at this point. He
and his girl look like they sleep in a giant ash tray.  Al Pacino looked
like a hobo. Was he drunk? Seemed drunk. Leo looked great. Jeremy Irons'
outfit was absurd.  Jamie Foxx looked great and his speech was surprisingly,
touchingly un-funny yet perfect. FER CRYIN'...SEAN PENN GET A SENSE OF
HUMOR! And why don't you boof Jude law some more?

Did anyone notice Laura Linney getting ogled by the seat-filler next to her?
Maybe that was her date. I'd like to believe it was a seat-filler. How about
Scarlett Johanssen's weird twitchy arm when she was talking? It was flopping
around like a big white balogna.  How 'bout when Martin Scorsese came on
stage to talk about something and the camera cut to Spike Lee, the only
possible reason being that he had on even goofier glasses?

Clint was a bright spot, he always is, even though I didn't think much of
the movie. He's just fun to watch.

There were very few bright spots, over all....I thought Chris Rock was fine,
I think the problem was the producer. He cut out too much, am I nuts or did
they not show clips from all the best picture nominees? I don't remember
any.

Anyway.

Time for lunch.

© Copyright 2005 katie.mccollow@mac.com

Emmy's '03

Phone rings in Steven Spielberg's kitchen.

"Hello?"

"Unca Steven!  Unca Steven!  Are ya coming with us to the Emmy's?"

(Kate Capshaw is in  the background, getting a bikini wax from Consuela, the
gardener's wife.)  "Steven, who's on the phone?" 

"Unca Steven, are ya--"

"It's Dakota Fanning.  She wants us to go with her to the Emmy Awards
because 'Taken' is up for best miniseries...."

"The EMMY'S?? For God's sake, Steven, hang up.  No wait, give me the
phone...........Hi, Fargo, is it?  Listen, hon, your uncle Steven's a very
busy man, hang on a moment, dear, GODDAMMIT, CONSUELA, CAN'T YOU KEEP THOSE
KIDS QUIET!  WHY ARE THEY IN THE MAIN HOUSE, ANYWAY!!  Honey, are you still
there?  Listen dear, please don't call the home number anymore, n'kay? 
Goodbye, sweetheart!"

I'm gonna have to agree with Ms. Capshaw, because it was a seriously dull
show.  The twelve funny hosts idea didn't work AT ALL. What the hell is
wrong with Gary Shandling?  I mean it, is he sick or something?  His short
hair made him look like Chuck Barris and he was twitching around like he was
trying not to vomit.  Jon Stewart was funny, and Conan was funny, but
Darrell Hammond's bits went over like lead balloons and and why was Bill
Cosby so jerky to Wanda Sykes?? At least the nummy Minnesota boy Peter
Krause had the good grace to go along with her electric slide bit.  George
Lopez was funny.  Ellen, who usually knocks it out of the park, was not.

Cynthia Nixon's red rubber dress... Cindy, your show is ending, next year
you'll be drowning your out-of-work ass's troubles in single malt scotch you
can't even afford and auditioning for roles Juliana Marguiles wouldn't take,
you're more than likely NEVER GOING TO ANOTHER AWARDS SHOW, WHAT ON EARTH
WERE YOU THINKING?  I liked Stockard Channing's peach colored Dracula
costume, even though in my humble opinion, the West Wing couldn't be
cancelled soon enough.  Aaron Sorkin is obviously spending all his new free
time on his hair.  I loved how Martin Sheen came striding down from the back
all,  "Make Way for the President!!" when the cast was going up to the
stage.  Why was Joey Pants wearing a morning suit?  Why was Robin Williams
dressed like a priest?  Why was Sheila Kelly there?  I thought she gave
lessons in pole dancing now.  Paula Abdul was doing the 'If I stand this
way, my hips look thinner' move, otherwise known as the Mira Sorvino. Two
words for Christina Applegate: Blotting papers.  Has Jennifer Garner ever
worn a dress that fit? WHY DID EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND WIN ANYTHING?? 
Sorry, America, but that show is not funny.  I'm glad to see they're down
playing that ridiculous 'guest actor in a series' category now by not really
showing it, I'm assuming that's an admission to how stupid it is to give
Betty White an award for her three lines on Scrubs.  Maybe they'll phase it
out altogether next year.  Edie Falco deserved it, I thought Lauren Ambrose
should've won, sick to death of Tyne Daly along with every old english
actress being a Dame. The John Ritter thing was good, although coming on the
heels of Tony Shalhoub's truly touching moment I was already bawling
anyway.  I'm sure I'll take major heat for this, but where do the Emmy's get
off claiming Kate Hepburn and Gregory Peck in their parade of dead people? 
I don't care if they made any tv movies or even if they actually won Emmy's,
it ain't right and I think you know what I'm talkin' about. Hey TV people, 
know your place.

Golden Globes '03

My eyes......me eyes.......they still hurt from being assaulted by Nicole
Kidman's hideous dress..........

It was that bad. I ain't got the words. Wait, yes I do. It looked like one
of Tonya Harding's rejects. The little panty-hose-inserts weren't even the
right color. I think Penelope Cruz must've sent it to her. "Neecole, I
reeelly vant to be frieeends....for dee sake of dee cheeldren...." A word of
warning, Ms. Kidman: We're a fickle bunch. Ask Julia Roberts.  And remember
what happened to Gwyneth Paltrow after she wore that goth-princess mess a
few years back? No one else does, either. Chubby, cute Renee Zellwegger
looked adorable and stole all your thunder. Cute Renee, whose eyes looked
like two hairy black caterpillars. That's probably why she normally likes to
be so thin. She's the only woman in the world who gains weight in her
eyelids.

The show started with a really embarrassing, bastardized 'Hey Ya' montage,
that song has been tagged onto everything in the world and I hate it now. I
wasn't optimistic, especially when the very first commercial, for Loreal I
think, featured Andy McDowell holding a giant pair of bloated lips right up
against her crotch. That might be the worst ad campaign since Tampax's
'three sizes in one box' debacle.  But then The Office won, and that and
Ricky Gervais' victory made my night. His hilarious off the cuff speeches
were almost as funny as the "Wha....? I've never even heard of him/it" looks
on half the audiences faces. Bill Murray's win was also a highlight.

Allison Janney looked beautiful, so did Kim Cattrall and Catherine Zeta
Jones. Jennifer Anniston always looks good, but honestly I'm getting bored
of her always looking exactly the same.  Jamie Lee Curtis was lovely, her
necklace was the best of the night. Gwen Stefani's 'Audrey Hepburn goes to
Mars' look worked, although only a rock star can pull off something like
that. Cynthia Nixon looked OK from the neck up, but her Butterick pattern
1124 dress was awful.  A good rule to follow is if your mid section is not
in the best shape is, DON'T WEAR UNADORNED SATIN. Very unforgiving. On the
other hand, if you're Sara Jessica Parker, don't do any of the things you
did last night.  She looked like James Woods in a bad wig.

Other people I mistook for other people: Sarah Ferguson looked and sounded
like Alice Cooper, whose presence would've made more sense. Until he opened
his mouth, I thought Jeff Bridges was Val Kilmer, and Anthony LaPaglia was a
dead ringer for Tracy Ullman. Sharon Stone and Clint Eastwood appeared to be
twins. Twins seperated at birth...one grows up to be a classy, stylish
Hollywood icon, the other to be Sharon Stone.  Her speech about Michael
Douglas was more like a community theater audition. If she wants back onto
the A list, she'd do better to flash her nancy again. Maybe not, though,
since clearly, the estrogen has left the building.

Speaking of Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito's introduction of him was vulgar,
tasteless and unfunny, just like all his movies. It was an honorary award,
not a Comedy Central roast, you idiot! From the look on Catherine's face,
I'd say Danny's days on the Christmas card list were numbered. By the way,
Michael, Al, Dustin, all you fellas who  'came up' together in the
seventies? Enough with the blow-combed hair dos. Everyone can't be Joe
Namath. It's time to stop. Time to stop telling Avery it's bedtime, too. 
And what is there left to say about Jack Nicholson? He's a bloated,
red-faced, flatulant parody of himself, God love him. Diane keaton was Meg
Ryan only cuter. Dear sweet, young, talented Scarlett Johanssen: there is a
point when you're breasts have been pulled so high, they become goiters
instead.

I love Johnny Depp and his little freaky wife. She looks like Helena Bonham
Carter's even weirder sister. Sting.....EWWWWWWW, with the
no-shirt-under-his-jacket-Enrico-Iglesias-wouldn't-even-stoop-that-low look.
Seriously, EWWWWWWW.

The biggest surprises other than Nicole Kidman looking heinous were that
Melanie Griffith and Brittany Murphy actually looked pretty good....I mean
for them. They both looked like you might not catch Herpes just by breathing
their air. Maybe they got a two-fer at 'De-Skankarama'. Poor Elijah Wood and
his silly velvet suit. He's only twenty two and he's already Mickey Rooney.
Peter Jackson..........Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad his movie won,
but I can smell his BO from here. He and Sofia Coppola should both know that
just because they're behind-the-scenes-ers doesn't mean it's OK to look that
way in public. ICK. JLo.......she looked like a sad little fat girl with
'hat hair' who just got dumped.  Not her night.

Most beautiful gal of the night?  Mary Louise Parker, who was stunning and
gave a very cute speech. You know, I watched Angels in America and I thought
it was good, but I wouldn't watch it again,(despite the fact that Justin
Kirk is HOT, please can he become really famous so I can look at him more
often?) But I have thing about 'old people' make up.  It's never, ever
looked convincing, and Angels just used too much of it.

"You'd never know that Meryl Streep is playing the rabbi!"  Uhh, yeah you
would. Takes me right out of the movie and right back to a sixth grade
production that I can't remember the name of, but Brian Henley played Mark
Twain and wore a big goofy handlebar mustache.

Well, it was a fun warm up act for the big show, I'm talking about the
Oscars, of course............

Oscar Nominations '04

"Hi, Nicole!  It's me, Naomi."

 "Oh, Naomi.........hi."

 "Isn't it exciting!  I'm nominated for best actress!"

 "I know, I heard......congratulations......whatever, it's just an
award....."

 "No, I know......still, though........hey, um, listen, Lenny called me,
would you feel weird if he went with me to the ceremony?  Gosh, sorry, Nic,
Renee just pulled up, Penelope's taking us shopping.  I'll kiss your kids
for you! BYE!"

Nicole hangs up and thinks to herself, "I have kids?"

Seriously, I thought we were going to have another one of those years where
a movie I and if they're really being honest, everyone else actually hated
won best picture. WHEEEEEW.

Recent movies that have won best picture that sucked:

The English Patient-- might be the worst winner ever.  Does anyone know anyb
ody who didn't think this movie was a total F, much less liked it?

American Beauty-- mediocre movie that only won because every other movie
that year was terrible.  That was the year Hillary Swank won, and doesn't
everyone regret that as well?

Chariots of Fire-- C'mon. It's unwatchable.

Annie Hall-- Annie Hall is a great movie. A GREAT MOVIE, I LOVE IT.  But I'm
still mad about Star Wars.  Although, the new star wars is so bad it cancels
out old star wars. Plus if I'd known Harrison Ford was gonna turn out to be
such a humorless old grump..........but I still love Carrie Fischer......but
Mark Hammel........that clinches it.  Mark Hammel should never have been in
a movie.  Even though I used to make out with my Luke Skywalker doll. Annie
Hall wins, forget I said anything.

Beautiful Mind-- "It's about a crazy guy who's really good at math." Gee, it
sounds good, what happened?  Jennifer Connelly is ugly.

Gahndi-- see Chariots of Fire.

Pulp Fiction--I know it didn't win, but it was nominated and that's bad
enough.  When it first came out, I pretended to like it because I wanted to
be cool.  I've grown since then, and I'm not afraid to say that I think
Quentin Tarantino is a big doofy spaz and his movies blow.

And talk about a surprise with the Johnny Depp nom!!  I hope he wins! I'm
not usually one of those body of work supporter kind of gals, but this time
I am, he deserves it for everything ESPECIALLY Twenty One Jump Street.

I just bought three pairs of pants, a skirt, and a sweater at Banana
Republic for thirty bucks. This is a good day.

Oscars '04

So I turn on the TV last night and I come across Sean Connery  wearing a tux and standing on some stage and he's saying, "Movies are the force that binds us together, our common link with humanity..." and I was like, "They are? All this time, I thought that was my family and community and stuff.  Hollywood has taught me a lesson yet again.....What is this show, anyway? Maybe I'll watch for a little." Actually, I was at my folks' having a 'goodbye you're going to Florida to wait out winter' dinner, and I rushed out with a hunk of unchewed prime rib in my mouth so I wouldn't be late for Joan, Melissa and the gang. Not a good show. Maybe it's because they moved it up a month, but I had a sense of it all day, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. There was just a lack of excitement in the air combined with everyone wearing beige dresses that spelled BLAH. Or just knowing LOTR was gonna sweep.  The years that one movie dominates are always dull, and we're on our third year putting up with stinky Pete and his band of ugly misfits.  I kept flipping between ABC's horrible pre-show (who is Billy Bush-league and please can we never see him on TV again?) and something featuring two blurry, glowing spectres with voices. For a second, I thought it was one of those dramatic re-enactments when a person describes dying and seeing a bright light and a bunch of dead relatives. Turns out it was Barbara Walters interviewing Diane Keaton. Crank the fuzz lens up one more notch and it would've been a test pattern. ABC should wise up and let Joan Rivers do the pre-show.  She and her  98% plastic daughter are  hilarious in a laughing-at-them kind of way.  And you know what?  Quit hiring Billy Crystal.  His time has passed.  His opening bit was so stale.  Wringing laughs out of his disgusting naked man boobies, trying to capture a magic he never really had. Pathetic. "Things have changed since thirteen years ago, Bush was in the white house, the economy was in the toilet and we just finished a war in Iraq!" Gee, that's fresh.  It's been almost three days since I heard that one. He is the guy from Mr. Saturday Night now.  Let's start a letter writing campaign to get them to hire Jon Stewart or Conan or Ellen or anyone who's funny at all.  They think he's the jewel in Oscar's crown, but comparing Billy Crystal to Bob Hope is like comparing Billy Crystal to Bob Hope.  Ben and Owen and Jack B and Will F were the obvious highlights, and the only parts of the show Mike missed. Why was Kelly Lynch there? Not that I don't think Roadhouse desreves some honorary recognition, but still. Why was Oprah there? Did anyone catch Mickey Rooney, wedged into his seat wearing a frilly turtleneck? That little Keisha Knightley Castle Pulliam is a cutie pie, and I liked that her dress was age appropriate. Liv Tyler looked awesome, but I'm tired of her smarty girl glasses and her 'make love to the camera' bit. I'm gonna catch hell for this, but Charlize Theron looked COMICAL. "Hmmmmm, light, medium, deep dark tan, and martian........gonna go with martian, why not? It'll go well with black eyeliner." Charlize, we only want you ugly in the movie. And don't think there'll be a next time. There won't be and we all know it. Nicole Kidman......it pains me to say this, but you've now got two strikes. Naomi Watts is the new you. Your hair shouldn't match your skin, you look like one big forehead. Dress was a pretty color, but looked like it could walk by itself. Get it together.  He's not coming back. Renee looked fantastic and I'm glad she won. She raced through her speech like she was hopped up on Dexatrim. Next time we see her she'll be back to her skelatal self.  The Allison Krause/Annie Lennox one-two punch was GREAT. AK's dress was my favorite of the night. I think Annie L is beautiful even though she scares me and she might be a vampire. Her speech was dear and genuine.  So sick of Julia Roberts and her 'I don't even have to try, I'm Julia Roberts' crapola. Do me a favor and stay home next year. "You mean stay home at my grubby ranch with my skate punk husband and my 43 dogs?" Heard it, get it, leave. PS, your bat wings aren't getting any smaller. The Blake Edwards thing was kind of short, wasn't it? When I was about 10 years old and home sick   from school, my mom let me take the tv from the kitchen up to my room. A little 9 inch black and white number. Anyway, A Shot in the Dark was on, and I laughed so hard my fever broke. Omigod.  And whenever those Pink Panther movies were on, it was an event at our house. Soooooooo great. Scarlett Johannsson looked ravishing. I can't believe she's only 18. Love her. Jennifer Garner's dress was great, for once.  Had no idea KD Lang did the makeup for LOTR. Pierce Brosnan........mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Nic Cage has been reduced to just another Coppola. Did anyone notice the orchestra played Are You Lonesome Tonight when he came out on stage?  And Blowin' in the Wind when Tim Robbins and his mom came out? Seriously, Susan Sarandon looked like trash. Her wobbly, blue veined tits were more off-putting than Billy Crystal's.  Sophia C finally showered, that was a treat.  Uma Thurman......obviously taking advice from Nicole K on how to impress an ex.  I love Holly Hunter, she reminds me of a hairless cat or a chihuahua. Like she's tiny and bone thin just because it's more efficient that way, you know? When Renee won, they kept the camera on Holly's frozen smile, always fun. Angelina Jolie-- any male out there who says he didn't pop a bone when she walked out onstage is a liar. I didn't need to see that after I'd just plowed through a whole sleeve of girl scout cookies. Catherine ZJ- too bad motherhood has taken such a toll. She was the only woman there who could give Angelina a complex. Bathroom of Kodak theater: Angelina, Catherine ZJ, and Charlize T: Charlize: "You guys? Do I look pale to you? Do I need more self tanner?" CTZ and Angelina glance at each other. CTZ: "Well, now that you mention it, at first I thought you were Nicole Kidman." (They all laugh.) Angelina: "Yeah, you could use a little more. More. No, more. More, Charlize." CTZ:  "Wanna borrow my eyeliner?" Love Patty Clarkson. Just something regal about her. Johnny Depp made me SWOON. He revistied his 21 Jump Street look and ME LIKEY.  Really wanted him to win just to shake up the applecart, but I guess we all knew it would be Sean "will anyone notice there's a squirrel on my head?" Penn. The squirrel in question probably jumped out of Peter Jackson's ass.  Maybe Sean didn't know it was there. Speaking of PJ, good GRAVY, and I do mean gravy.... that bag lady sitting next to him probably looked fine when the night started, but three hours of marinading in fart clouds of that magnitude would do anyone in. "One day, you couldn't do without sausage for lunch??"  Even Russell Crowe's like, "Dude, clean up a little." PJ: "Oi'd Loike to thank the gang in New Zealand (braaap) soirry, 'scuse me, (braahhhhhp) oh dear, if anyone's seen my ass squirrel, please can I have him back?" The hobbits' reign of terror is finally over, thank Allah. I just felt sort of empty when it ended.